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Player card 01 of 05

Red

Cherry · The alleged leader.

“Friends don't drink friends.”

Played by Nick. Allegedly.

0 of 50 shirts sold
$0 raised for Nick

Nobody has funded Red yet. Be the first. Be the story.

Red Red, out of costume 01
100% to the bro

Red's merch.

Sold as Red, by Red. 100% of the profit from this one goes to Nick. Not the brand. Nick.

Shop the full drop
The file

Who is Red?

Red is the mastermind. Decades of growing brands, a resume nobody has ever asked to see, and one day he looked at all of that experience and decided the move was three guys in slushy costumes in a backyard. He was right. Nobody is more annoyed about that than the people who told him no.

He built this website. He built the AI slop. The videos where the Bros are sort of cartoons, sort of real, sort of a fever dream? Red. Somewhere between a keyboard and a Halloween-store closeout bin he became the internet's leading producer of frozen nonsense, and he has the analytics dashboard to prove it. He will show you the dashboard. You did not ask about the dashboard.

Volume is his love language. He does not start fights. He starts bits, which is worse, because bits have sequels, and sequels have merch. If Red goes quiet, he is either asleep or rendering.

Known for

  • Turning a brand strategy career into a slushy costume
  • The AI slop videos that made your uncle ask if the Bros are real
  • Building the website you are reading this on, then redesigning it eight times
  • Saying "we should make that a shirt" about literally everything
  • Being recognized at a gas station and immediately pitching the guy

Weaknesses

  • A blank domain name
  • Karaoke
  • Dares
  • Anything with "double" in the name
  • The phrase "what if we just"
  • A 6% conversion rate (he wants 7)
Signature moveThe Cherry Bomb: full-volume entrance, zero context, a pitch deck appears, everyone somehow goes along with it.
Would trust withThe plan
Would not trust withThe grill. Or the stop button.
Drink orderCherry, extra large, straw already bent, expensed
First appearanceThe backyard. The original one. He had already registered the domain.
The others

Different flavors. Same bad ideas.

The whole roster
02 Blue Raspberry

Blue

The reason we need rules.

Read the file
03 Lemon

Yellow

Should probably stop encouraging them.

Read the file
04 Grape

Purple

Grape-flavored chaos. Nobody invited him.

Read the file
05 Lime

Green

Unpredictable. DUI in his wheelchair. Constant brain freezes.

Read the file
Nick. Red. Out of costume.
Nick. Red. Out of costume.
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Questionable decisions.